i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I'm just crazy horny about you
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
