I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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