My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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