fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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