i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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