I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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