Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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