Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Randomize
