6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
