i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
