I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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