glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
