I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
two words...techno handjob
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
