dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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