i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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