I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
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