he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize
