nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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