dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
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He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
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How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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