Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
