There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
