i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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