Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Randomize
