I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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