I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
