You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
