I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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