Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
