Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
