PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Randomize
