Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
