I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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