I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Randomize
