my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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