The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Randomize
