I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Best friends brother. Beat that.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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