bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
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I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
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So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
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