dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
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