dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize