how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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