the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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