I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
