Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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