bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
