Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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