woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
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