apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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