Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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