I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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