Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
