By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Sober January is a disaster.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
