So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
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