She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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