i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
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dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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