I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
