I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Randomize
