I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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