Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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